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One thing about me is that I have always loved vampires. Since I found a copy of Twilight in my Nana’s basement at the ripe old age of eleven, I have been absolutely obsessed. In honor of this, I have decided to combine my two favorite things: Vampires and lists. So, I will be ranking different vampire media according to a very specific tier list of my own creation. Before I get into explaining the tiers, I would just like give a quick disclaimer: I am objectively correct and right all the time. F tier: Fangs for Nothing This tier is for vampire media that I LOATHE. It is boring, tacky, problematic, or a combination of all three. I would rather eat glass than experience this piece of media again. E tier: It Sucks Not as bad as Fangs for Nothing, but I still hate it and never want to see it again. D tier: All Bark, No Bite This tier is for media that’s just bland. It is utterly boring, the vampire equivalent of plain mashed potatoes. C tier: It’s Camp Very poor general quality, the only part saving it is how fun it is to watch. B tier: Bat-tastic Pretty good, but not good enough for the top tier. A tier: Bloody Brilliant Showstopping, amazing, wonderful, I will never ever stop thinking about this piece of media. The Twilight Saga: This movie is unironically a good time. It fits every mood. Romantic? Twilight. Sad? Twilight. Happy? Twilight. The faint blue tone over every scene? Immaculate. The soundtrack is fantastic, the vampire baseball scene was a cultural reset. However, it isn’t very good, technically. The writing leaves something to be desired, as does the plot of the series (especially New Moon). Still, it’s one of the most fun vampire movies that I’ve seen in a while. For that reason, I will be placing it in the category of: It’s camp The Magnus Archives: Wait, there were vampires in this show? Yeah. I ask that too. They were there in two episodes, not obviously aligned to any entity. They were barely in there and to be honest, the vampire hunter episodes were my least favorite. For the vampire representation alone, I give this show: Fangs for nothing. Adventure Time: I haven’t watched the whole show, but from the fragments I’ve seen, Marceline was my favorite character. She was a compelling character with a touching storyline. For this reason alone I’m giving it: Bat-tastic. Carry On: This book was… well, it sure was a book! I first read in seventh grade and it was pretty decent, it was the prelude to my gay awakening, but that doesn’t make it a good book. I read it again this year and was pretty disappointed. It was okay to read for the first time, but on re-read it didn’t hold up. It sucks. What We Do in the Shadows (TV show) Words can hardly express how much I love this show, it is both funny and heart-wrenching. It’s clever and has made me laugh out loud multiple times. For a mockumentary sitcom it is surprisingly complex, and though most of the serious moments have jokes within them, they still hold a lot of sincerity. Also I love Guillermo with my whole heart and soul. For all of these reasons, I give it: Bloody brilliant. Though I’m at the end of this article, I’m not finished my list, so stay tuned for part two next week! Nate Fahmiis a young writer from Ottawa, Canada. When he isn’t in school, he enjoys reading, writing, crochet, and playing with his two cats. Their favorite genres are horror and fantasy, and they enjoy all things strange. You can find him on Instagram at @nate_fahmi
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